Stuff You Put On The Internet Is There For Forever. Consider That Before You Make A Movie About How Small Your Penis Is
Brian Spitz‘s Unhung Hero opens on two guys in a spartan hotel room in Papua, New Guinea. One’s black, and the other’s white. After a moment the black guy sits down and prepares a syringe, while in the next scene the white guy is standing with his pants open, which tells me everything that I need to know.
And since it’s a little bit unlikely that he’s hiding a bunch of clowns in his pants, and the movie is about a guy who thinks his penis is too small…
But as far as I am concerned, I’ve had enough. My stomach twists in knots at just the suggestion, never mind the “reality.” And I wasn’t even ten minutes in. Which reminds me, it’s not unheard of for hard-core heroin users to inject themselves in the penis, which tells you the the high it brings much be remarkable if it’s able to override such a powerfully ingrained revulsion.
I really wanted to watch a movie though, and since Michael Bay’s Pain & Gain turned up on Netflix as well I figured that I might as well give it a try, since I wasn’t (directly) paying to see it. And it was really bad, beyond my wildest dreams of what ‘bad’ could be. And when write bad I don’t mean in an enjoyable or campy sense, but a distasteful and meanspirited one. I mean, it looked gorgeous in the way Michael Bay movies tend to, but beyond that, nothing.
No redeeming characters, characteristics or features what-so-ever. It’s worth mentioning that I have seen movies where Hitler appeared in a more sympathetic light, and that’s not hyperbole.
But here’s the kicker: There’s a character in that movie, Adrian Doorbal, played by Anthony Mackie, who get’s an injection in his member as well (which is strangely enough, played for laughs).
At this point I just accepted that if I even turned on a Bugs Bunny cartoon, Bugs would have Elmer Fudd tied down as he tried to inject something into his cartoon penis. And I have always said that if you cannot avoid something, you might as well face it as best you can.
So gave Unhung Hero another try, because there is virtually no way, despite the penis injection scene, it could be worse than Pain & Gain.
And you know what? I am really glad that I did.
The white guy in that hotel room in Papua, New Guinea was Patrick Moote, who’s then-girlfriend rejected his marriage proposal supposedly because his penis was too small. He proposed at a UCLA basketball game, and to preserve the moment–because in the movies no one ever turns down marriage proposals–has it shown on the arena’s Jumbotron. The failed proposal was then posted on Youtube–I assume not by Moote– and went on to receive 10 million hits in the first four minutes. I haven’t done any surveys, but obsessing over the size of your cock strikes me as a particularly first-world problem because poorer people tend to spend more of their time worrying about where their next meal is going to come from, as opposed to dedicating massive amounts of energy and resources in such a vain and (pardon the pun) masturbatory pursuit.
Eventually it’s revealed that Moote was an actor as well as a standup comedian, which brought to mind the adage by Phineas T. Barnum that “there is no such thing as bad publicity.” After that things had a reality show-like sheen, and as everyone knows that reality shows are anything but real.
That being said, while the movie begins with Moote and his quest, along the way it turns into something so much more. The narrative moves all over the world, from Korea to New Guinea, and even interviews various specialists in the area of sexuality. Moote’s quest also takes him to pornography conventions, which are always interesting though it’s the exploration of foreign cultures, and the differences in the way they view their genitalia, that are the best thing about documentary, and not just because they threaten to subsumes Moote’s blatant narcissism.
Then there are the voyeuristic aspects of seeing someone admit to the entire world that their penis is too small, because once you put something on the Internet it’s there forever, floating around the clouds of cyber space.
Despite all of that, Unhung Hero, taken as a whole is remarkably life-affirming–that is, if you can get over the squeamish moments, which there are a few–which is essentially saying: Be yourself and be comfortable in your own skin.