“”Vengeance Shall Be Hers” But Frustration Will Be Yours.”

Have you even drank a Guinness Nitro IPA?  The reason I ask is because when you read the label there’s boilerplate about the the varieties of hops that go into the beer (There are five.  Admiral, Celeia, Topaz, Challenger, and Cascade) as well as it being infused with nitrogen.

Nitrogen!  Like something out of Buck Rogers!

Though when all is said and done, it comes down to taste, and Guinness Nitro IPA is so bland, you’d think it was flat.

And if that weren’t bad enough, it lacks body, making it also forgettable.

The point being, Tyler Shields’ Final Girl is the Guinness Nitro IPA of horror movies, where choice actors like Abigail Breslin and Wes Bentley are mixed in a brew that on the face of it sounds really tasty (a young girl is trained to be a weapon to take on a gang of psychopaths) but ends up not only barely palatable, but bland.

Which has a lot to do with the movie being over-stylized.  I went into it expecting I Spit On Your Grave-level grittiness, and instead get Streets Of Fire with serial killers.

And that’s not a knock against Walter Hill’s rock and roll fantasy because that movie worked with its very distinctive production design, not against it.

It’s exactly the opposite with Final Girl, which has an odd timeless quality to it that’s a bit distracting.  The vehicles seem to be from an earlier period, as does one of the killers, though the rest of the movie doesn’t.

In fact at times the movie reminded me of a really odd stage play, which is weird.

Final Girl isn’t a terrible movie, though to be honest I think that I might have enjoyed it more if it were.  Instead it’s  a well-shot, competent movie that is too stylized for its own good.